Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Unexpected sense of achievement

When I thought about writing The List, I had pangs of dread and misery. Writing down all the projects I've promised and not completed was certain to make me blue. However, as I recorded all those unkept promises, I found I was also thinking of all the projects I have completed. I'm not sure if it's a one-to-one ratio but for every item on The List I believe I can name another project conceived, undertaken and completed. While I have a great deal left to do, there is much that I have done. As well as feeling as if I've achieved something, this knowledge gives me hope that I can complete all the items on The List. After all, if I did it before, I can do it again.

Monday, August 30, 2010

This is getting easier.

I threw out a pair of sandals this week-end. They're the only pair I own, they were pricey (for me) and one of them was busted and unlikely to be repaired.

I have kept that pair of sandals for at least two years with the one sandal defunct. It was too much effort to accept that the pair was no longer useful, that I would need to throw them out and, if I wanted another pair of sandals, I would need to go shopping. I kept those sandals because it was easier to keep moving them between closets than to even think about all the effort needed to replace them. Really. The thought of shopping for new sandals exhausted me.

But here's the great bit: I've gone two years without sandals. Maybe I don't need another pair. I can throw these out and get the feeling of lightness that creates and then later, if I want to, I can go shopping. I do not have to link the future effort of shopping for sandals with the act of throwing out the sandals. Pitching an item does not commit me to replacing the item. I'm realizing this is a significant part of my clutter problem. In the moment I am thinking I should throw something out, I am also thinking of the trip to the garbage can (up and down a flight of stairs), shopping for a replacement and bringing that replacement back into the house. No wonder I tend not to throw things out! It's exhausting!

Except it isn't. Time for a bit of zen. In this moment I am letting go of these objects and that is all I'm doing. I'm not thinking of the future effort of replacement, I'm not thinking back to all the energy I've already expended on the item, I am simply letting go. Opening my hand and letting the thing fall away from me. Nothing could be easier.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

List: addendum

Ron's stocking.

The List (so far)

I have been recording every single project I’ve started, promised or thought of and still want to do. If I listed every idea I've ever had, I'd never stop writing. The majority of these projects have been started in some way. (Please forgive the formatting. I didn't want to post a list and blogger had a hissy fit over all the semicolons I used so I had to remove them. In any event, the list is for my benefit and posted here only to show how 'in debt' I am.)

Musical “How To Lose Friends & Alienate People”, Radio Play “Kid Burrito & the Lost Tribe of Wild Garnis”, Wild women dancing watercolor for laura, Lily’s quilt, Potholders in three seasons for Cheryl, Altered books for the Amys, My sweater from Mom, Amethyst for Mom, Buffy Porson, Christmas cards: Holly & the Ivy, Christmas book: A Child’s Christmas in Wales, New Years cards, Halloween party, Snowglobes, Malled, Come, One!, Potlatch game, Shrug, v II, Knitted quilt, Crazy quilt, Triangle quilt, Caravan of One, Hairsticks, Masks, Children’s novel, Hanger for door quilt, Door quilt, Dog kerchiefs for Ron’s friends, Paris souvenir for Michele Ronin, Skirtings for the kitchen, Ceiling panels (metal, tinwork), Redecorate desk @ work, Knitted lion for Rowan, Knitted bunny, Rowan’s sweater, Book purse for JulieAnne, Watercolor Chair & Window, Jeans, Shelves for laundry room, Home for Orange Tom, messenger bag, CQ purse for mom, Knitted tee-shirt rug, Digitize audio collection, Cushion for yellow chair, Cork for bottom of utensil caddy, Devil mask, Scrapbook of mom’s clippings, letters, Christmas hamper of knitted scarves & hats for family 2010, Ron’s bday present, Ron’s xmas gift, Organize tools, Deck garden, Deck party, Art doll (Preacher doll), Boat neck sweater, Complete Mr. Titus’s Orange, Rebind Mr. Titus, There’s Always Room for Lydia, Bring in da Noiz, Clean up da Junk, Puppet show , (Minot et al), Masks for Franny,Knitted hat – cockade,3D Settlers game, Barb’s Christmas ornament, Anna & Kylie’s necklaces, Drawing of walking guys, “Progress was slow” illustration, 4 season tree knitted hat, Homeless comic, 100 small objects (Slot giraffe, slot lion, egg hatching analog/digital…), 12 Days of Christmas ornaments (with box), Many spamusement, Valerie strawberry potholders and kitchen towels, CQ pillows, CQ xmas stockings, Klimt cloche, Fruit salad scarf w/pineapple hat (knitted), Wilda’s pineapple pillow, etc.

A silly thing to be proud of --

but there it is: I threw out a National Geographic and I'm proud of myself.

Anyone with any collaging tendencies will understand what I've done. It's like taking your change jar and pitching it. It's like reaching blindly into your closet and throwing out the first thing you grab. For artist types, National Geographic is a storehouse of  images, suitable for reference, drawing, collaging, and inspiration. Leaving the information aside (which is excellent), every issue of National Geographic is a gift to an artist. (Okay, if you cast bronzes for a living, National Geographic is probably better suited for your coffee table or bathroom. But for those of us who draw or do collages, it's a gift.)

And I threw out five or six of them. It hurt. I was anxious. Even as I was pitching them, I was seeing uses for them. But here's the thing: whatever they have in them, I can find again when I'm ready for it. Right now is not the time for the wealth of images in the National Geographic. I have at least 80 projects I want to do. I do NOT need more inspiration. I do not need images I can use "some day." All I need around me is what I'm using right now and if I had acres of room, I would keep the National Geographics. But I haven't. And so they go.

Perhaps someday when I've completed all my projects, I will again have National Geographics in the house. But right now they are a distraction and so they are gone.

This is not all I pitched this week-end. I also weeded my library, threw out a juggling bag that I have carried with me over twenty years and countless moves (and as soon as I find its mate, that's getting pitched, too. I lost the third bag years ago. Why did I keep the other two?) and, while I was not prepared to pitch certain other items, I have put myself on notice. The next time I see them I must give an excellent reason to keep them or they get tossed. I have a long way to go but I am hopeful I will arrive with no more or less than what I need.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Why so many unfinished projects?

I think I have to agree with this person: "Since nothing is ever 'perfect' nothing is ever really DONE."  (cassianne, http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2010/02/finish-the-projects-youve-started-or-call-an-end-to-them.html) I can finish projects, give them away, sell them, whatever but because I know there was something else I could've done to make it better, it's not finished.

That has to stop.

I could throw away all of what I own, sit myself down at the gates of the city with a begging bowl and I still wouldn't be free as long as I kept that attitude. More than any physical item, it's this attitude of "It could've been better, there's more I could do" that's pulling me under. Nothing will ever be perfect. Nothing. Most things aren't even going to be great. But everything can be finished if I just let them go.

No one's asking me to do great things. Hell, no one even knows I exist, really: when you compare my one life against the other 6 billion on this planet, I'm a speck. There's no pressure here except that which I am applying.

Let it go.

It's time to embrace the great tragedy of art: what is inside our heads will never see daylight just as we envision it. The act of creation is going to change our vision. Yes, it may be lesser. It will be flawed. But it will be something where there was nothing before and that alone should be reason to create it.

Okay, now I'm starting to babble. Here's hoping I can let go of the "just a little more to do" attitude.

What to do with the projects I will never finish?

Another way to think of this?

I'm thinking some kind of record would be nice. Maybe just keep The List and pitch the projects...

The List

To remind myself why I'm jettisoning so much stuff, I am compiling all the projects I have ever started, promised or bought materials for. And this leads me to wonder about supplies v. dead weight – how much can I, will I keep around? Must every piece of fabric, piece of paper and skein of yarn be earmarked for a specific project? Is it okay to have materials because I like them and may one day use them? Or is that a slippery slope into clutter and crap? And with the list, there are things I like to make and will most likely make more of – do they have to go on the list? Or is the list for one-offs?

Monday, August 23, 2010

I'll get this right later.

Now I just want it here.

Countdown

Clearing the decks.

I should probably explain. Before I can complete all the projects I've promised I need to be able to find those projects. I need a clean work place. I need the tools and supplies immediately available. So the first step to celebrate my jubilee is to clear the decks!

Thus, I am pitching anything that stands between me and my projects. Right now it's garbage and junk. Soon it will be baggage. Eventually it will be items I once cared for but now just weigh me down. At some point I hope it will also be attitudes, beliefs ... and possibly people. Anything that keeps me from a productive life simply has to go.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Some of What I've Pitched So Far

Large plastic sheeting that my friends' neighbor probably doesn't want back.
Dozens of nuts and bolts and whoknowswhat.
Paper. Always paper.
Bag of cheap gardening gloves.
All the parts of Martha Stewart's Living that don't interest me. (work in progress -- I'm going through all my back issues with an Xacto knife)

Jubilee

I have taken on many projects in my life. Too many. I am overwhelmed by all that I have promised to do. I was sincere when I made the promises. I had every intention of completing the projects. But I have underestimated my energy and overestimated my available time. For too long I have lived with these projects, dragging them behind me and adding to them every week, month, year. So it is time to let them go. I can't just drop them because, as I said, I was sincere when I began them. But I can't keep carrying them. I simply can't. So I have set myself a sort of jubilee: a day when I will be free of all previous unfinished projects. By February 29, 2012 any projects I have not finished or am not actively working on, I am abandoning. I am setting them down, throwing them over, leaving them behind and moving forward free of the drag they are exerting on me. I am sorry if this means I will not be able to keep a promise I made to you. I will try my best to complete as many projects as I can before the next leap year day. This blog is to help me track my progress and prepare for my jubilee. Wish me luck.