Sunday, November 28, 2010

Divide and conquer and take two of these and call me in the morning.

Somewhere along life’s path, I stopped doing my dishes. I’d never liked washing them anyway and at some point I just – didn’t. This would’ve been fine if they’d all been clean at the time but they were all dirty. All of them. I don’t want to say how long this went on. I’d wash what I needed at that moment and avoid looking at the rest. I’m sure it looked disgusting but I was too tired to worry about it. Every time I thought it was time to do the dishes, I’d look at that counter full of plates and bowls and utensils and pots and pans and jars and Gladware and I would get tired to my bones. I would feel heavy and dull and go lie down. Sometimes I’d get as far as rinsing out the worst offenders or even wash a sink’s worth of dishes but it was like moving a mountain with a toothpick. And so this went on…
Until last week. Last week I spread that counter of dishes and pans all across the kitchen: all the utensils together, all the glasses in one place. I stacked all the plates up and did the same with the bowls. (All the Gladware had long ago been banished to a huge plastic bin with a lid. I’m debating just throwing it all out.) Everything was sorted into its group and each group was set apart from its neighbor. Then I told myself that all I had to do was wash one group. Just one. Any one. But I had to start.

All the plates are done. I’m halfway through the glasses. I’ve been cleaning up whatever I’m using so I’m not just baling the water behind me and back into the boat, as it were. I still have a way to go but I’m confident I will get all those dishes washed.

What allowed me to do this? Drugs. Plain and simple. There’s nothing else to explain it. I’ve been organizing those dishes for a long time. I’ve been meaning to wash them for just as long. The only difference between last week and all the weeks before it is that the medication is finally doing what it’s supposed to on every level. I not only have the desire to wash the dishes, I have the energy, too.

And it’s not just the dishes. This week-end I ran errands and sorted (and pitched) much stuff and even managed to cook for myself a little. As with most errands, I’d forget something. But this time, instead of letting it go, I went back and got the item or made the necessary trip. This may seem mundane to you but for me it was a tad liberating: I had the energy to get done what I wanted to.

So here’s to drugs! Here’s to the medications that let me do what I want to do when I want to do it. Here’s to the liberating pharmaceuticals! May I always have access to them.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

About a month, it looks like.

How long can I leave dried up bits of soap in the soap dish before I realize that they're not going to become part of the new bar and throw them out?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

This is why I have too much stuff. One look at that and I have instant envy. Do I have a purpose for it? No. Can I imagine a purpose for it? Sure! Will I definitely make and use something with it? Who knows? I haven't ordered one and already it's shoved in a corner gathering dust.

I'm bewildered and a little ashamed.

How much do I need?

First Bag & Bin

This is not my own idea. I culled it from one of the many books or websites on managing clutter. The process is this: You take a basket/bin/whatever and a garbage bag and, starting at one end of the house, you collect all the garbage in each room and anything in that room that does not belong there. As you go from room to room, you drop things off where they belong and collect those things which are misplaced. In theory, when you have completed the circuit, everything should be where it belongs and all garbage disposed of.

I would like to say this has solved everything. However, most of my apartment is so disordered that I was only able to do one room before the (large) bin was full. I think the important thing to remember when next I see that bin is that I am free to throw out anything in there. I do not have to find a place for each and every thing in that bin. Or rather, the place for some of those things is the garbage.

Someday I want to be able to bag & bin the whole apartment in an hour. Probably the easiest way to get to that point is to throw out a great deal more.

Why do I have so much stuff?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Yes, I have not been keeping up.

I'm sorry for the delay in posts but you know how it is when you have a new guy in your life -- they pretty much take over. He's such a sweetie, though, I can't fault him for it. He's handsome, strong and playful. And he has a beautiful speaking voice. As much as I adore him, though, I'm starting to think he needs someone who can do more for him: give him his space, spend a lot more time adoring and be better about cleaning his litter box.

Anyone want a cat?

Sunday, September 19, 2010

This isn't me.

It isn't this bad.

Just in case anyone who doesn't know me reads this blog, I want to clarify that I am not a hoarder. I may talk about my emotional and mental reaction to clutter and getting rid of things but I'm just a person whose life has caught up with her a bit. No psychological problems here*, folks. Move along, now.

*well. None around hoarding, anyway.

Down to the wire.

This week-end I went to Cheryl’s to make fairy houses (don’t ask). As they are meant to be whimsical little things, I took the usual accoutrements; beads, buttons, wire. I rather got into the project and found myself using much of my bronze colored wire. As I watched the wire roll off the spool I felt a twinge of anxiety. When this was all over, I’d be out of bronze wire. I’d have no more wire. It’d be gone. Done. Empty. Lost.

Okay, it wasn’t that dramatic but there was still that thought: If I use this up, I won’t have it anymore. Right at the heels of that thought though, was another one: “Is this how I want to have this wire? Spooled up and unused? Wire in potentiality?” I was enjoying myself building my house. I liked how it was turning out and I was enjoying the day with Cheryl. Wasn’t that more valuable than a spool of wire? If I felt lost as I used up the wire, didn’t I feel still more content sitting in Cheryl’s yard creating something? What kind of abundance do I want in my life: potential or actual? Do I want more ideas and inspiration? Or do I want to make things?

I’ve always considered myself a generous person. At least, I didn’t think of myself as stingy. But now I’m wondering if I just wasn’t looking in the right place – perhaps I am a miser. A sort of craft dragon, sitting on a pile of paper, ribbons, buttons, and wire, endlessly acquiring and hoarding.

If I am, I no longer wish to be. There’s nothing to gain by contemplating my things. Quite the opposite: there’s loss of experience, the joy of creation and, worse still, holding onto things drags on me, mentally and emotionally to the point where I’m not standing still, I’m falling back.

Something useful v. something in use.

Chalkboard paint. The stuff isn’t cheap. I still had almost half a can left and I knew I could use it at some point.

There's the catch: "at some point." At some point I would find a purpose for the paint again. At some point I would put it to use. At some point I will be buried under all the stuff I've accumulated.

No. Enough.

The paint has gone to a garden club associate. She was planning on buying some for the project she’s almost finished with. While I had the tiniest pang of separation anxiety when I offered it, when I handed it over I was happiest knowing that Sarah using the paint now was much better than me holding onto ‘something useful.’

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I'm not stopping.

Things have slowed down since the original rush but I am still committed to throwing out what I don't need. I'm finding it easier each time I throw something out.

As space opens up from the pitching of trash, I'm seeing that I'm not using my space effectively. Things have been set down and left because that was easiest at the time but now other piles are growing up around the originals and I'm starting to feel like a spelunker navigating stalactites and stalagmites. (Okay, nothing hanging from the ceiling but I was headed that way.)

Case in point: my coffee table is a mess. Filled with papers, sewing tools, knitting accoutrements, The List and various books. Set up against three sides (the sides I can reach from the couch) are layers of knitting books and magazines and similar. Throw on top of this the detritus from the day's meal and a tabletop fan and there's really no point in pretending it's anything other than a personal dumping ground.

Just an arm's reach away from the coffee table is a bookshelf. Much of it is in constant use because I keep my DVDs and videos there but there's one shelf full of books I want to keep but do not read regularly. It's time for those to move. Either box them away or find another shelf for them but just get them off the high-rent space so I can put all the books leaning up against my coffee table there instead. I'll still be able to get to them when I need them and, with the space cleared off the coffee table, I can have a dedicated 'important mail' box so I can find my bills when I need them.

Now I'm boring myself. The point is, this is going to go on for a while and I'm in it for the long haul.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Unexpected sense of achievement

When I thought about writing The List, I had pangs of dread and misery. Writing down all the projects I've promised and not completed was certain to make me blue. However, as I recorded all those unkept promises, I found I was also thinking of all the projects I have completed. I'm not sure if it's a one-to-one ratio but for every item on The List I believe I can name another project conceived, undertaken and completed. While I have a great deal left to do, there is much that I have done. As well as feeling as if I've achieved something, this knowledge gives me hope that I can complete all the items on The List. After all, if I did it before, I can do it again.

Monday, August 30, 2010

This is getting easier.

I threw out a pair of sandals this week-end. They're the only pair I own, they were pricey (for me) and one of them was busted and unlikely to be repaired.

I have kept that pair of sandals for at least two years with the one sandal defunct. It was too much effort to accept that the pair was no longer useful, that I would need to throw them out and, if I wanted another pair of sandals, I would need to go shopping. I kept those sandals because it was easier to keep moving them between closets than to even think about all the effort needed to replace them. Really. The thought of shopping for new sandals exhausted me.

But here's the great bit: I've gone two years without sandals. Maybe I don't need another pair. I can throw these out and get the feeling of lightness that creates and then later, if I want to, I can go shopping. I do not have to link the future effort of shopping for sandals with the act of throwing out the sandals. Pitching an item does not commit me to replacing the item. I'm realizing this is a significant part of my clutter problem. In the moment I am thinking I should throw something out, I am also thinking of the trip to the garbage can (up and down a flight of stairs), shopping for a replacement and bringing that replacement back into the house. No wonder I tend not to throw things out! It's exhausting!

Except it isn't. Time for a bit of zen. In this moment I am letting go of these objects and that is all I'm doing. I'm not thinking of the future effort of replacement, I'm not thinking back to all the energy I've already expended on the item, I am simply letting go. Opening my hand and letting the thing fall away from me. Nothing could be easier.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

List: addendum

Ron's stocking.

The List (so far)

I have been recording every single project I’ve started, promised or thought of and still want to do. If I listed every idea I've ever had, I'd never stop writing. The majority of these projects have been started in some way. (Please forgive the formatting. I didn't want to post a list and blogger had a hissy fit over all the semicolons I used so I had to remove them. In any event, the list is for my benefit and posted here only to show how 'in debt' I am.)

Musical “How To Lose Friends & Alienate People”, Radio Play “Kid Burrito & the Lost Tribe of Wild Garnis”, Wild women dancing watercolor for laura, Lily’s quilt, Potholders in three seasons for Cheryl, Altered books for the Amys, My sweater from Mom, Amethyst for Mom, Buffy Porson, Christmas cards: Holly & the Ivy, Christmas book: A Child’s Christmas in Wales, New Years cards, Halloween party, Snowglobes, Malled, Come, One!, Potlatch game, Shrug, v II, Knitted quilt, Crazy quilt, Triangle quilt, Caravan of One, Hairsticks, Masks, Children’s novel, Hanger for door quilt, Door quilt, Dog kerchiefs for Ron’s friends, Paris souvenir for Michele Ronin, Skirtings for the kitchen, Ceiling panels (metal, tinwork), Redecorate desk @ work, Knitted lion for Rowan, Knitted bunny, Rowan’s sweater, Book purse for JulieAnne, Watercolor Chair & Window, Jeans, Shelves for laundry room, Home for Orange Tom, messenger bag, CQ purse for mom, Knitted tee-shirt rug, Digitize audio collection, Cushion for yellow chair, Cork for bottom of utensil caddy, Devil mask, Scrapbook of mom’s clippings, letters, Christmas hamper of knitted scarves & hats for family 2010, Ron’s bday present, Ron’s xmas gift, Organize tools, Deck garden, Deck party, Art doll (Preacher doll), Boat neck sweater, Complete Mr. Titus’s Orange, Rebind Mr. Titus, There’s Always Room for Lydia, Bring in da Noiz, Clean up da Junk, Puppet show , (Minot et al), Masks for Franny,Knitted hat – cockade,3D Settlers game, Barb’s Christmas ornament, Anna & Kylie’s necklaces, Drawing of walking guys, “Progress was slow” illustration, 4 season tree knitted hat, Homeless comic, 100 small objects (Slot giraffe, slot lion, egg hatching analog/digital…), 12 Days of Christmas ornaments (with box), Many spamusement, Valerie strawberry potholders and kitchen towels, CQ pillows, CQ xmas stockings, Klimt cloche, Fruit salad scarf w/pineapple hat (knitted), Wilda’s pineapple pillow, etc.

A silly thing to be proud of --

but there it is: I threw out a National Geographic and I'm proud of myself.

Anyone with any collaging tendencies will understand what I've done. It's like taking your change jar and pitching it. It's like reaching blindly into your closet and throwing out the first thing you grab. For artist types, National Geographic is a storehouse of  images, suitable for reference, drawing, collaging, and inspiration. Leaving the information aside (which is excellent), every issue of National Geographic is a gift to an artist. (Okay, if you cast bronzes for a living, National Geographic is probably better suited for your coffee table or bathroom. But for those of us who draw or do collages, it's a gift.)

And I threw out five or six of them. It hurt. I was anxious. Even as I was pitching them, I was seeing uses for them. But here's the thing: whatever they have in them, I can find again when I'm ready for it. Right now is not the time for the wealth of images in the National Geographic. I have at least 80 projects I want to do. I do NOT need more inspiration. I do not need images I can use "some day." All I need around me is what I'm using right now and if I had acres of room, I would keep the National Geographics. But I haven't. And so they go.

Perhaps someday when I've completed all my projects, I will again have National Geographics in the house. But right now they are a distraction and so they are gone.

This is not all I pitched this week-end. I also weeded my library, threw out a juggling bag that I have carried with me over twenty years and countless moves (and as soon as I find its mate, that's getting pitched, too. I lost the third bag years ago. Why did I keep the other two?) and, while I was not prepared to pitch certain other items, I have put myself on notice. The next time I see them I must give an excellent reason to keep them or they get tossed. I have a long way to go but I am hopeful I will arrive with no more or less than what I need.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Why so many unfinished projects?

I think I have to agree with this person: "Since nothing is ever 'perfect' nothing is ever really DONE."  (cassianne, http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2010/02/finish-the-projects-youve-started-or-call-an-end-to-them.html) I can finish projects, give them away, sell them, whatever but because I know there was something else I could've done to make it better, it's not finished.

That has to stop.

I could throw away all of what I own, sit myself down at the gates of the city with a begging bowl and I still wouldn't be free as long as I kept that attitude. More than any physical item, it's this attitude of "It could've been better, there's more I could do" that's pulling me under. Nothing will ever be perfect. Nothing. Most things aren't even going to be great. But everything can be finished if I just let them go.

No one's asking me to do great things. Hell, no one even knows I exist, really: when you compare my one life against the other 6 billion on this planet, I'm a speck. There's no pressure here except that which I am applying.

Let it go.

It's time to embrace the great tragedy of art: what is inside our heads will never see daylight just as we envision it. The act of creation is going to change our vision. Yes, it may be lesser. It will be flawed. But it will be something where there was nothing before and that alone should be reason to create it.

Okay, now I'm starting to babble. Here's hoping I can let go of the "just a little more to do" attitude.

What to do with the projects I will never finish?

Another way to think of this?

I'm thinking some kind of record would be nice. Maybe just keep The List and pitch the projects...

The List

To remind myself why I'm jettisoning so much stuff, I am compiling all the projects I have ever started, promised or bought materials for. And this leads me to wonder about supplies v. dead weight – how much can I, will I keep around? Must every piece of fabric, piece of paper and skein of yarn be earmarked for a specific project? Is it okay to have materials because I like them and may one day use them? Or is that a slippery slope into clutter and crap? And with the list, there are things I like to make and will most likely make more of – do they have to go on the list? Or is the list for one-offs?

Monday, August 23, 2010

I'll get this right later.

Now I just want it here.

Countdown

Clearing the decks.

I should probably explain. Before I can complete all the projects I've promised I need to be able to find those projects. I need a clean work place. I need the tools and supplies immediately available. So the first step to celebrate my jubilee is to clear the decks!

Thus, I am pitching anything that stands between me and my projects. Right now it's garbage and junk. Soon it will be baggage. Eventually it will be items I once cared for but now just weigh me down. At some point I hope it will also be attitudes, beliefs ... and possibly people. Anything that keeps me from a productive life simply has to go.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Some of What I've Pitched So Far

Large plastic sheeting that my friends' neighbor probably doesn't want back.
Dozens of nuts and bolts and whoknowswhat.
Paper. Always paper.
Bag of cheap gardening gloves.
All the parts of Martha Stewart's Living that don't interest me. (work in progress -- I'm going through all my back issues with an Xacto knife)

Jubilee

I have taken on many projects in my life. Too many. I am overwhelmed by all that I have promised to do. I was sincere when I made the promises. I had every intention of completing the projects. But I have underestimated my energy and overestimated my available time. For too long I have lived with these projects, dragging them behind me and adding to them every week, month, year. So it is time to let them go. I can't just drop them because, as I said, I was sincere when I began them. But I can't keep carrying them. I simply can't. So I have set myself a sort of jubilee: a day when I will be free of all previous unfinished projects. By February 29, 2012 any projects I have not finished or am not actively working on, I am abandoning. I am setting them down, throwing them over, leaving them behind and moving forward free of the drag they are exerting on me. I am sorry if this means I will not be able to keep a promise I made to you. I will try my best to complete as many projects as I can before the next leap year day. This blog is to help me track my progress and prepare for my jubilee. Wish me luck.